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  • Writer's pictureAaron Deck

The Dark Tower

Updated: Jul 24, 2021

So, I finally got around to watching "The Dark Tower" movie, and I gotta say, it wasn’t the steaming pile of dog shit I thought it was gonna be. Don’t get too excited, though. It wasn’t that great of a film either. Overall I’d give it a five outta ten. Perfectly average. Perfectly adequate.

So, spoilers beware, I’mma get into the nitty-gritty down below. Read on if you dare.

The Good: First off, since it’s a stand-alone movie (I’ll tell you my displeasure about that later), I was happy that they added “Blue Haven.” It was a nice nod to the whole series. I also enjoyed how they modernized the film. The original John “Jake” Chambers lived in the sprawling New York of the nineteen seventies; in the movie version, it’s in the twenty-tens. It worked, but I highly doubt anyone had a problem with that unless they’re just being weiners. They also did a good job portraying Chambers’ madness, or at least his perceived madness by everyone else around him. Sure, it didn’t have to do with doors, but he still had the visions and drew them everywhere. It was an easier way to showcase his problem in such a short run time.

I’ve gotta give the writers and Matthew McConaughey props for how they portrayed “The Man In Black” as a ruthless entity. He doesn’t waste time trying to be evil. He tells you to shut-up and casts a spell with his hand, and you stop talking. He tells someone to stop breathing, and they suffocate. It’s pretty terrifying when you see the extent of the power he yields.

Something I found I could never visualize while reading the books was the quickness with which Roland reloads his revolvers. It was fucking awesome to see it in quick-time during the film. It didn’t look fake, which was rad.

The plot was alright. They kinda tried to hamfist too much of the books into a single movie, but at least the plot made sense and it was easy to follow while keeping the spirit of the books alive, as well as the main plot of the whole book series; THE BREAKERS!!!

The Bad: I hated the way they wrote Roland. Idris Elba is a phenomenal actor, but they gave him shit character development to work with. He seemed too angry throughout the film and wasn’t really the strong, stoic type that he is in the novels. When he holds Jake over the edge of a cliff, demanding to know certain information, it didn’t seem right. Get your shit together, Hollywood.

WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KILL THE MAN IN BLACK? That’s some bullshit! By killing The Man In Black, they effectively cut off any possibilities of a sequel that I would have watched. Because of this, it felt like the long-standing hatred between Roland and Flagg wasn’t fully captured. Because of THAT, the whole showdown at the end felt flat to me; however, at least they GOT a final showdown, unlike the goddamn books.

Those were the main points I disliked. Now for some smaller one: I was not fond of Jake’s parents. I preferred their character traits in the book(s). Their movie counterparts felt boring and typical and not the way you’d expect them to behave. It was cool how they both died, however.

Another tiny thing I disliked was the too many references they tried to throw into the film in such a short run time. These references would have been better suited if they’d made the movie thirty minutes longer. It had a paltry hour and thirty-minute run time, which doesn’t cut it when trying to squeeze a seven-volume book series into a single movie. Get your shit together, Hollywood.

The Ugly: Brooooooooo. Matthew McConaughy’s hair was terrible. So fucking terrible that it was a perfect match of Jamey Sheridan’s portrayal of Flagg in “The Stand” miniseries. Sure, their hair is not the same length, but the style is an exact fit. It’s slicked back and greasy and just a little poofy on top. It’s fucking gross but the greatest call-back in the entire movie.

So, that’s it. An utterly average movie that gives fans a little bit of what they want, but doesn’t give them enough.

What are your thoughts on this film? Hit me up on social media or drop a comment here, and we can hash it out like two internet nerds.

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